Mastering the Nod and Walk-By

When living on a small college campus, one must acquire the skill of the nod and walk-by. This is how we as young adults maintain the perfect shallow relationship. You must never exceed the boundaries of a person of little acquaintance by stopping and striking up actual conversation. No, instead distance and brevity are to be valued and awkwardness and unease avoided above all else.

First of all, and most important, there is the issue of distance. Once you are aware of the oncoming near-stranger, you must immediately occupy yourself with studying intently every lizard to skitter across your way, the sorry state of your broken and jagged fingernail that has been snagging your shirt all day, or your phone and the message of great emergency which must be sent out post-haste. Most important to remember at this time is that there is a large chance that your co-agent in this mission has mostly likely spied you as well and you are therefore forbidden to look up until the precise moment. The precise moment can be defined as the point at which you are both able to say upwards of seven words without having to slow or speed up your speech. This usually comes to about twelve feet or three sidewalk squares.

It is at this point that you can look up and give a pleasantly surprised smile as if to say, “Oh, I hadn’t seen you there!” By all means, if you have not yet reached the point at which you can comfortably converse without receiving the blank “Are you talking to me or a bluetooth?” stare, disregard this next set of instructions. If you have achieved this level two standing, you know that you have many greeting options at your disposal, but for the sake of this educational piece we shall focus on the two most commonly used on the typical college campus. The first of these is the simple, “Hey, how are you?” Replies are limited to the quick “I’m good, what about you?” or a comment on how little sleep you got the night before studying for so-and-so’s class. The second option is the edgy, “Hey, what’s up?” The inquirer is not looking for a play-by-play of your day; remember this. Rather, an uncomplicated “Not much” will do fine. While there are occasions where a more in-depth answer would be just as easily accepted, there are no sure-fire indications of this and a misreading can lead into an awkward “Oh. Well, good luck with that.” There are also occasional deviants to this loosely laid outline, and these include compliments on appearance and questions about a mutual class or friend. In this case, you must either begin speaking before the prescribed distance mentioned above or stop at the point of meeting to finish the conversation before continuing onward to your destination.

You must also realize that not everyone has been as well trained as you and so may spill out a story about their personal life. Take note that this sudden insight into their life is not permission for you to make comments containing your actual opinion; they want only for you to smile knowingly and offer empathy or laughter, whichever is called for. Additionally, bear in mind that you also have potential as a muddle maker. Yesterday, I made the gravest of walk-by missteps—I looked up too soon. Salutations were exchanged with the usual quickness and suddenly my acquaintance and I were left with five feet left to traverse in order to be past one another. Finally, after the longest of six-second spaces, I turned off the path and up the steps to my building. It was then and there that I resolved that everyone ought to be instructed on the proper etiquette in this situation that we find ourselves in multiple times each day.